GOALS for the FUTURE

1. Not get abducted by Aliens or in general

2. Win best supportive friend award (nominated by well friends)

3. Make love to a fictional character.

4. Feed an Elephant peanuts.

5. Learn how to carve a turkey BLINDFOLDED

6. Name call a ten year old

7. Watch a three hour movie sitting still

8. Color in the lines (working on it)

9. Zombie proof my home

10. Learn to tie a bow tie (you never know)

Monday Nights

I'm glad monday is not my first name....Why you ask? Because Monday is associated with a long and hard work weak A.K.A lame. If I was a day it would be Thursday....I'll tell you because I know you're wondering. Thursday is known for thirsty Thursday which is Latin for Awesome. Moreover you can drink and be hung over for friday which people are already more laid back on before the weekend! Thursday is the appetizer to the weekend and that is why if I was to be named after a day of the week it would be Thursday. I'd like to be the small awesome taste of what's yet to come! What up!!

Life.

Ants have the best work ethic despite the fact they have no vacation days, no sick days, no personal days, no health insurance, no bonuses. Yet ants have the best employment ratings next to Google.

Condemned slaves of the underworld I believe have the same work ethic as ants. They work far underground for a cause they don't truly understand with no real employment benefits. It's really an eternal sweat shop.

I think the best group of mammals besides the Amish to work together are beavers. They have a terrific sense of structure. Also they build with a purpose that reason being for a family and future.

I often think the only creative animals in the entire kingdom are the ones that have musical talent. Singing birds, chirping crickets, and so on and so forth. Unless you count killing as an art form than I think the Anaconda would dominate that market.

Things Women Should Know

A. Action Figures are NOT dolls!

B. Grilling is not a hobby nor a past time its a F%!%@ING art! instead of paints and canvas we men get beer and aprons with clever quips.

C. Boys mature slower than girls so GROW some patience!

D. Thinking of ways to survive zombie attacks is not a waste of time it's deadly (ha) serious.

E. High Fives are like hugs if hugs could make a loud sound that only angels appreciate and fellow Bro's.

F. Some forms of violence are hilarious like the three stooges and cops.

G. Video games are awesome- FACT!

H. Halloween pretty much best holiday ever pretty sure women love the holiday as well (can I get a high five?)

Outside Seating Sucks

If you know me there are things that urk, annoy, and displease me one of which involves people eating outside of restaurants. I know, I know this seems mundane and stupid to shake one's finger at but let's be honest this is Philadelphia NOT Paris. As a restaurant patron I have come to terms with the fact I go out to eat in a nice cozy setting with friends or a "friend" and not to be placed outside where pedestrians and homeless can bump my chair or beg for money. It's ANNOYING (am I wrong?) This leads me to my next frustration probably bigger than actually eating outside which is walking on a sidewalk alongside people spread out at their tables and leaning in their chairs adjacent to the restaurant. It's by far the largest hassle a pedestrian has to experience especially during the warmer seasons. I mean I do not enjoy maneuvering around sleeping dogs, weaving around tables, and observing people drinking red wine (LAME!).

Sure I've tried avoiding the sitting eating people on the sidewalks by walking in the street close to the curb but the amount of taxi's and taxi drivers that can't actually drive has be become a dangerous endeavor. Then of course there's the idea of crossing to the other side of the street but let's face it it's a better idea than an actual plan. I guess the lesson here is to drive in the summer and walk in the winter...Sounds swell right? WRONG that's the stupidist decision ever right next to paying to see Heaven's Gate in theaters.

IT'S EASY!

1. Running from Zombies is easier than running from Felosa Raptors (Pitch that idea to Michael Bay).

2. Swimming in Chocolate is easier than swimming in Jello (of course the advantage of competing in a jello swim race is the mere fact it would be announced by Bill Cosby)

3. Using a throw away razor is easier than shaving with a strait razor (Not as many band aids)

4. Listening to easy listening music is well easy!

5. Using an automatic pencil sharpener is easier than operating a manuel one.

6. Writing on a computer is easier than typing on a typewriter (especially when dyslexic)

7. Werewolves are easier to kill than vampires (so I hear)

8. It's easier to read a magazine in a library than in a doctor's office.

9. It's easier to throw up drunk than sober (not going to explain this one)

10. It's easier to color in marker than crayon (unless there's no ink in the marker than it's just frustrating)

Way's I'd like to Die

A. Shot in the head. (Dead instantly....hopefully).

B. Decapitated by guillotine (Also dead dead instantly, also draws a crowd.)

C. Ran over by a speeding car. (If it's a hit and run cool, if not I feel bad for that poor driver.)

D. Die in my sleep on public transportation. ($2 ticket and a traumatized passenger that won't forget me.....Priceless.)

E. Fall into tiger cage at zoo and mauled...(make the headlines= awesome.)

F. Assassinated ( it means I'm important).

G. Rabies. (Eh, that or aids? I choose rabies.)

H. Magic Trick gone wrong.

I. Alcohol

F. Heart attack during sex....(enough said :) <----smile face)

Stay Tuned for my will,.

Riddle Me This!

1. Can you drink on the road in a winnebago? I mean technically it's a home.

2. In a movie theater which arm rest is yours?

3. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

4. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? (I would argue you can!)

5. Why's golf taken so seriously?

6. Is it gay to be jerked off by a woman puppet if the puppeteer is a dude?

7. Have you ever had latin lover?

8. Are humans considered exotic food to sharks?

9. Why do people continue to name their daughters Delores?

10. Why don't you need a license to drive a bicycle?

Cheers Rape

Sadly I have been a victim of "cheers rape". Cheers rape is when an individual is at a bar, party, wake, wedding and so on and so forth. The basic rule of thumb is wherever there is alcohol and "bro's" okay women can also be guilty of "cheers rape." Cheers rape is a friend saying something he or she THINKS is hilarious and super clever but in reality is not. After saying the not so hilarious not so clever remark the targeted listener is A. distracted, B. zoned out, or C. does not agree with the statement taking advantage of this is the "cheers raper" who will then force upon a cheers tapping his or her glass against the victim and appreciating ones own wit.

"Cheers Rape" is growing amongst underage drinkers, colleges, and young corporate americans. We must stop this NOW before it becomes out of hand. we must EARN our cheers the old fashion way with consensual agreement, and approval before knocking glasses.

Thank you.

Monday

Today at approximately 3:14pm on my way home from work I was hit hard in the leg. I looked around, up and down to find a toddler tapping my thy.

"Yes?" I asked.

The boy had shaggy brown hair and a baseball cap. The hat looked as though it was a growth on the child's head, it looked as though it had never been separated from the boy since birth. The boy held an Egon Ghostbuster action figure I lost when I was, well his age I guess.

"Here."

"Uh...Excuse me?" I said.

The boy shook the figure responding, "It's yours."

The boy stared at me as he wiped snot oozing out of his nose with his sweatshirt sleeve.

"I'm sorry what?" I asked with such confusion.

I looked around and found no sight of an adult, just cars racing by. The boy pushed up his sleeve revealing a Dick Tracy wrist watch.

"I have to go. I hope Egon joins the rest of his house." The boy said as he took the action figure from him.

"If I can find them." I said with shame.

"WHAT!"

The boy literally broke down in tears, screaming, and stomping his feet at this point I really looked around to see any strangers taking notice but there was still no one to be found. Which was weird for such early afternoon in the city.

"I mean I'm sure I'll find them they're around probably at my parents house."

"How come you don't have them at your house?" he asked.

" I grew up." I responded.

The boy kicked my really hard in the shin and I believe he called me stupid. Rather than engage him I chose to be the bigger person and ignore him.

Talk about a weird and painful journey home. Why couldn't that kid hand me a beer or money for a beer not a toy I lost years ago. Thinking about it in retrospect if that was my younger self coming to visit his future self I'd rather have the Dick Tracy watch.

list

Life is full of lists. There's mailing lists, shopping lists (note to self 4. eggs), wish lists (Oh yeah Mom for Chanukah I want Ghostbusters on blue ray), Letterman's top 10., and so on and so forth. Below is a an awesome list of things that are indeed awesome in no particular order. If you happen to disagree with this list it doesn't matter because well it's my LIST! Furthermore, I'm not on the list because well honestly it should already be understood.

a. ice cream sandwiches - it's like a sandwich but not... Awesome.

b. Bikers who obey traffic laws. They're out there but it's rare.

c. Hooking up with a pregnant woman. Automatic threesome.....Oh Come on someone high-five ME!

d. Growing up in the 90's when playing outside was cool. Here's a vocab word: "outside" A preposition & adverb meaning beyond the boundaries of (a room, building, or other enclosed space) : [as prep. ] there was a boy outside the door | [as adv. ] the dog was still barking outside.

e. Alarm clocks with a rooster sound. Am I the only one that likes to pretend I'm waking up on a farm?

f. Toddlers that know profanity. It's cute at first until you're cursed out by a 5year old....(note to self: still waiting on apology).

g. The Big Lebowski - If you have to ask this blog is not for you.

h. closing a giant hardcover book, (If knowledge had a sound that would be it).

i. Lint. There's something rewarding of scraping it off the lint catcher. (That sounds dirty)....awesome.

j. Coming home to a stocked fridge. It's almost as satisfying as slaying a dragon...almost....