Cheers Rape

Sadly I have been a victim of "cheers rape". Cheers rape is when an individual is at a bar, party, wake, wedding and so on and so forth. The basic rule of thumb is wherever there is alcohol and "bro's" okay women can also be guilty of "cheers rape." Cheers rape is a friend saying something he or she THINKS is hilarious and super clever but in reality is not. After saying the not so hilarious not so clever remark the targeted listener is A. distracted, B. zoned out, or C. does not agree with the statement taking advantage of this is the "cheers raper" who will then force upon a cheers tapping his or her glass against the victim and appreciating ones own wit.

"Cheers Rape" is growing amongst underage drinkers, colleges, and young corporate americans. We must stop this NOW before it becomes out of hand. we must EARN our cheers the old fashion way with consensual agreement, and approval before knocking glasses.

Thank you.

Monday

Today at approximately 3:14pm on my way home from work I was hit hard in the leg. I looked around, up and down to find a toddler tapping my thy.

"Yes?" I asked.

The boy had shaggy brown hair and a baseball cap. The hat looked as though it was a growth on the child's head, it looked as though it had never been separated from the boy since birth. The boy held an Egon Ghostbuster action figure I lost when I was, well his age I guess.

"Here."

"Uh...Excuse me?" I said.

The boy shook the figure responding, "It's yours."

The boy stared at me as he wiped snot oozing out of his nose with his sweatshirt sleeve.

"I'm sorry what?" I asked with such confusion.

I looked around and found no sight of an adult, just cars racing by. The boy pushed up his sleeve revealing a Dick Tracy wrist watch.

"I have to go. I hope Egon joins the rest of his house." The boy said as he took the action figure from him.

"If I can find them." I said with shame.

"WHAT!"

The boy literally broke down in tears, screaming, and stomping his feet at this point I really looked around to see any strangers taking notice but there was still no one to be found. Which was weird for such early afternoon in the city.

"I mean I'm sure I'll find them they're around probably at my parents house."

"How come you don't have them at your house?" he asked.

" I grew up." I responded.

The boy kicked my really hard in the shin and I believe he called me stupid. Rather than engage him I chose to be the bigger person and ignore him.

Talk about a weird and painful journey home. Why couldn't that kid hand me a beer or money for a beer not a toy I lost years ago. Thinking about it in retrospect if that was my younger self coming to visit his future self I'd rather have the Dick Tracy watch.

list

Life is full of lists. There's mailing lists, shopping lists (note to self 4. eggs), wish lists (Oh yeah Mom for Chanukah I want Ghostbusters on blue ray), Letterman's top 10., and so on and so forth. Below is a an awesome list of things that are indeed awesome in no particular order. If you happen to disagree with this list it doesn't matter because well it's my LIST! Furthermore, I'm not on the list because well honestly it should already be understood.

a. ice cream sandwiches - it's like a sandwich but not... Awesome.

b. Bikers who obey traffic laws. They're out there but it's rare.

c. Hooking up with a pregnant woman. Automatic threesome.....Oh Come on someone high-five ME!

d. Growing up in the 90's when playing outside was cool. Here's a vocab word: "outside" A preposition & adverb meaning beyond the boundaries of (a room, building, or other enclosed space) : [as prep. ] there was a boy outside the door | [as adv. ] the dog was still barking outside.

e. Alarm clocks with a rooster sound. Am I the only one that likes to pretend I'm waking up on a farm?

f. Toddlers that know profanity. It's cute at first until you're cursed out by a 5year old....(note to self: still waiting on apology).

g. The Big Lebowski - If you have to ask this blog is not for you.

h. closing a giant hardcover book, (If knowledge had a sound that would be it).

i. Lint. There's something rewarding of scraping it off the lint catcher. (That sounds dirty)....awesome.

j. Coming home to a stocked fridge. It's almost as satisfying as slaying a dragon...almost....